Introduction:
Throughout our lives, we are taught to be kind and considerate towards others, and generally speaking, we are raised to treat others as we would like to be treated. While being considerate and understanding of the needs and welfare of others is a lovely and necessary trait to have, it can also be possible to step into the realms of unconscious self-sabotage.
What do we mean by this?
In many instances, knowledge is power, particularly when it comes to reclaiming our power over our autonomy. Research would suggest that people pleasing, at its core, is a behavioral tendency driven by a deep desire to be liked and accepted by others. It is considered to stem from fear of rejection, criticism, or conflict. With the desire for external validation deeply embedded and driving many behaviors, this can leave individuals susceptible to abandoning their own needs and sacrificing their own well-being.
The psychological underpinnings:
People-pleasing, or otherwise termed rescuing, is often traced back to early childhood experiences. Considerations such as upbringing, societal expectations, and personal insecurities have been identified as contributing factors in the development of significant people-pleasing tendencies. Examples such as growing up in an environment where meeting the needs and expectations of those around us took high precedence leading to the internalisation of these behaviours and subconsciously prioritising the needs of others above our own.
Strategies to overcome people pleasing:
Developing self-awareness is a pivotal step to take toward altering these perceptions. Identifying patterns of behaviours, noticing your feeling in certain situations, and any triggers will provide a good foundation for conscious change.
Awareness also leads onto the next strategy of challenging internalised beliefs. Once becoming aware of beliefs such as prioritising your own needs upsetting others, or potentially causing conflict, can provide the opportunity to challenge these beliefs. Recognising these thoughts allows for us to reflect on whether these beliefs truly align with our innate values.
Setting healthy boundaries in situations and relationships where we feel that we are giving too much of ourselves to the point it is becoming draining. Learning that saying 'no' is an important component of self-care, rather than selfishness. Leaning into prioritise your own needs and communicating these needs assertively, yet respectfully.
Becoming familiar with offering yourself self-compassion is another healthy implementation to your daily routine. Recognising and accepting yourself for all that you are, in both strengths and areas for development. Understanding that making mistakes is part of the human experience and that unrealistic expectations placed upon us, or externally accepted, are unsustainable and energetically depleting. Adopting the mindset of treating yourself, how you treat others.
Embracing your own authenticity, recognising your own innate values and honouring your own needs, as you learn to accept your own uniqueness and how to stand in your own truth. Being honest with yourself and others about your thoughts, feelings, and needs.
Breaking habits of a lifetime can be a challenging, and uncomfortable process. Don't be afraid to reach out and seek support from a therapist, support group or other interventions.
Embracing your true self:
On the road to self-discovery and honouring your own needs, and adapting healthier patterns of behaviour, you open yourself up to a more fulfilling and authentic life and way of being. Get in touch with your own passions and desires and surround yourself with those who accept you fully for who you are. Remember that your worth lies in your own authenticity, and is not tied to what you can do for others.
Overall: Commitment to change, is just that, an ongoing commitment. Change will not happen overnight, but you are worth offering to yourself all that you offer to others, and you deserve the best of all that life has to offer, and it all beings with you.
Carly Ryan